Watching Porn

I have the porn channel happening in my lounge room/kitchen on a regular basis.

No, it's not Michael getting randy in his old age - it's Gomez with Sarah on heat.

He keeps trying and trying to 'get it on' with her, but has had absolutely no luck. So far he's tried to hump her knees, her tail.. even her head! You've heard the expression 'wet willie', I know where it comes from now - I've seen it in action!

Poor Sarah, in the last few days she's obviously become VERY fertile, and wants it, wants it bad baby! But her porn co-star belongs in the land of the oompahloompahs! I've even watched Gomez humping Sarah whilst she's humping Jess!

Maybe I should videotape it and set up my own Pay for View channel! Or just Funniest Home Videos.

Mother's Day Present

I love it!!

A Weekend Well Spent

This weekend has been a worthwhile weekend, although busy one.

I had committed to attending working dog training days in Macarthur, about an hour's drive away on both Saturday and Sunday. The plan was to take both Sarah and Jess so both could start training.

This plan was disrupted by two things - I was still feeling ill with gastro and Sarah had decided to come on heat on Friday.

Despite feeling like crap, I decided to go to the training with just Jess, the braincell. And I'm glad I did.

It was a GREAT two days. Cost $200, but well worth it. The trainer, Barry, breeds and trains working dogs so has a wealth of experience. And any future training days I want to attend are free. There was a good proportion of practical experience with some theoretical. The dogs (some of them bred and sold by Barry) went through exercises to go back, get over, to bark on command, to run on the back of sheep, to work both yard and paddock.

Jess surprised me at how well she went. Whilst she didn't have the command skills of most of the dogs (the ability to sit or stay on command), she certainly had the ability to round up the sheep and was not nervous of them. This was all instinct, as she hasn't been trained to go around them. But with the aid of a simple garden rake, I was able to get her to go back (run around anti-clockwise) and get around (clockwise). I was also able to get her to walk (it's a relative term) behind me instead of pulling me along behind her.



Barry had three orphaned lambs (only a few days old) in the shearing shed, where we had the training, so I helped out at lunchtime by feeding them. Whilst I was doing this, Jess slipped herself out of her harness and came around to see what I was doing. She suffers from separation anxiety, if she's not with me she frets!



I was a bit dubious about the paddock work. The idea of letting Jess off her leash in a paddock, albeit with a flock of about 10 sheep, filled me with dread. It's not like she will sit or stay on command, but Barry was encouraging and said to let her go. So off she went, around the sheep, working them across the paddock. When it was time for her to stop, she decided that it wasn't ... and took off towards the second paddock, the one full of ewes and lambs! She was almost there when Barry's yelling at her distracted her and made her turn around. I ran off in the opposite direction, and she gave chase. A few minutes later and I managed to catch her. Barry had said that to get your dog to come to you, you should not look it in the eye and should kneel down. Yeah right! Not with Jess! I had to put both arms in the air, deepen my voice and stare her out. That's when the penny seems to click into her brain, you can see the "oh, shit, I'd better stop now or else" look come into her eyes.

But we had a second go at working her in the paddock. I let Stevie, a teenage girl, work her whilst I stood off in the distance. She worked really really well, moving from 10 o'clock to 2 o'clock behind the flock and pushing them across the paddock. One of the flock took off and took refuge between the fence and the donkey. Jess took chase and I was worried that she was going to end up with another broken leg care of Macka the donkey, but Stevie managed to catch her without too much hassle. It was the end of the day and she was tired.



On the drive home, Jess fell asleep straight away. She missed the rabbit I clocked doing 59km/hr beside the car, the large roo that jumped over the road behind us or the smaller wallaby that crossed in front.

(you'll have to look closely to pick the roo out)

I'll be attending the next training weekend in August with both Sarah and Jess, providing they are not in heat! I'll also take Caitlin, if she's interested - she'd find it fascinating.

Nathanielisms

On Tuesdays, I look after one of Mim's Kindy mates, Nathaniel. His mother works up at Monivae with Michael, so she drops him off here in the mornings, I take him to Kindy with Mim and pick them up in the afternoon before dropping him off at Monivae when I collect Caitlin, then drop Mim off at ballet. So, you can see, Tuesday afternoons are hectic.

Anyway, Mim and Nathaniel fight like cats and dogs when they are here. Nathaniel has a habit of saying everything of his and his family's is bigger and better than Mim's. She gets a bit put out by this, and now doesn't want Nathaniel to touch any of her toys or watch her tv or be in her room, or pat her dog, etc, etc, etc.

Last Tuesday morning, Mim was in a bit of a tizz because she'd thought Nathaniel had said she was only four, not five. Nathaniel told her she was wrong. She said she wasn't, that he'd said she wasn't five. Nathaniel came back with "I didn't! And I don't lie! I only lie at home!"

It was almost as good as his comment at Mim's party. When his elder sister E said she like a lolly bag, I told her that I didn't have any spares "but I'm sure Nathaniel will share his with you". Nathaniel just looked at me and said, "I don't want to share yet!"

When not to share!

As mentioned previously, Mim had thrown up on Sunday morning. She also threw up on Monday afternoon at the hospital playground whilst Caitlin was looking after her. We assumed that it was a combination of a BIG weekend, tiredness, a packet of chips for afternoon tea and possible excessive playing on the playground.

Or maybe it wasn't.

On Tuesday, I took Mim to Kindy, but mentioned to Merryn (the teacher) about the vomiting episodes. Merryn advised that gastro had been going around, with three kids at her Balmoral Kindy struck down with it. She agreed that it sounded more like Mim's exciting weekend was the cause but we agreed that I should take her home just in case. Mim was disappointed, especially as I cancelled her ballet lesson as well, just in case. She showed no symptoms of feeling unwell, although she did say that her tummy hurt a little. I assumed that it was because she hadn't defacated for 48hrs and hadn't drunk a lot of water either, so I made her drink more.

On Wednesday night, Michael made tuna mornay for dinner. Then at 9.30, we heard Mim cough...only it wasn't a cough - it was a barf. She managed to get sheets, pillow, beside table and carpet! There's nothing like trying to hold your breath, comfort an upset little girl, whilst not standing in barf, get her changed into fresh pjs, change the linen on the bed and keep two interested dogs out of the room at the same time. Despite mopping, vacuuming, spraying, incense, keeping windows open - the room still smells like vomit!

Then, at 11.30pm, Caitlin coughed, sorry, barfed! At least she had the skill to get it all into the barf bag. She ended up throwing up eight times that night. I stayed up with her until 3.30am, watching TV. She looked at me sadly, saying "the fish are swimming upstream tonight!"

Michael won't be making tuna mornay again in a hurry.

I took Thu/Fri nights off work, didn't want to carry any gastro bug onto a surgical ward - wouldn't be popular. I came down with the gastro on Friday and felt like crap all that day. Michael waited until Sunday to get his bout. Caitlin threw up again on Saturday night, after eating chicken ("the chicken has flown the coop!"). Luckily this was at the pub, and allowed me to escape under a Willie Nelson night (with willie willie bad music) by bringing her home.

So we've not had a healthy week by any means!

Over 48 hrs of BIRTHDAY excitement

The birthday weekend started on Friday. Not Friday afternoon when Tom's party (another Kindy kid) was scheduled, but on Friday morning when I had to endure hours of 'how long until Tom's party?'

Luckily, Friday afternoon rolled around quickly enough and Mim was able to get dressed for the party. I dropped her off at the allotted time and hardly saw the back of her for dust. She was off and playing with the other kids, eating chocolate cake, chocolate biscuits and chips. When I picked her up, she was high on sugar, luckily it was to the pub for dinner where she could work off the sugar running around the bar (scabbing jellybeans off Mr Kaine). And Ebony was staying the night, so Mim was functioning on adrenaline and sugar. By 9pm, she'd crashed and burned and was asleep.



But she was in Ebony's bed bright and early the next morning, waiting for her party. I picked up the cake in Casterton at 8am and came back to collect the big girls to prepare the playground. The weather was not smiling nicely at us, little squalls of fairy rain kept coming over, but that didn't affect the kids playing on the playground.



Mim had seven kids join her, she played hostess for each arrival, getting off the playground, welcoming them and thanking them for the gift. The kids were very well behaved, apart from one incident with one particular child pushing another over. Michael went into full teacher mode, it was funny watching the other kids' eyes go wide and watch them take two steps away from the naughty child as if to say "we don't know him". Naughty child burst into tears and was sent into time out, but by the end of the party, was Michael's new best friend.



I'd only organised one activity, Pass the Parcel, for the kids as I figured they'd be happiest on the swings and playground facility - and they were. We had a short intermission for eating the food and cake (it's very difficult to light candles in a strong breeze) and then the kids were back playing.


I think it was a successful party, I know Mim really enjoyed herself which was the main thing. In the afternoon, we drove Ebony back into Hamilton and then went shopping. Mim was exhausted by the time we got home, but still very excited that tomorrow she would be 5.

(who do we know that folds his arms like that!) (oh, it must be genetic!)

I was woken at 4am Sunday morning by Michael telling me that Mim was calling me. I staggered into her room to hear "I threw up!" And she had. Neatly onto her sheets, luckily missing the floor. That was cleaned up (by me) whilst Michael changed Mim and took her into our bed. She was awake again by 7, she rolled over and said to me "I'm five now, I can go to school". She was rather disappointed to realise that she'd still have to wait another six months before she could start prep. She wants to grow up so fast, so she can be as old as Caitlin NOW!

We did presents about 9.30, which was about the time we could drag our tired backsides out of bed. Mim loved her undies, her bras, her polly pockets, her Wii games, her wheelbarrow and gardening kit.. and especially the stool that Caitlin had made for her at school.



For dinner, Mim had requested arni lemonata lamb shanks, so that's what she got. And boy, they were yummy! She went to bed about 9pm, a very happy little girl.

So Happy Birthday our beautiful little five year old.

The Lollipop panacea

Driving to work yesterday, a voice pipes up from the back seat:
"When I'm a big girl, and have a baby, I'm going to be brave and then I'll get a lollipop".

So there you go, ladies, take the advice of a little girl. When you are suffering the agonies of having your vagina split assunder by a boof headed baby, stop screaming and moaning ... and you'll get a lollipop for your efforts!

Should anyone complain about aches and pains from now on, the only response they'll get from me is "Suck it up, baby, and get a lollipop".

It's Green, at last

Two weekends ago we had 20mm of rain over 4 days. Well, it was probably more than 20mm, but that's the last reading of the rainfall indicator before Lulu jumped the fence and knocked it over. It was shower after shower after shower. And it was cold. And it was the weekend that Caitlin had her karate camp in Port Fairy, where they had a swim.... in the great southern ocean. You know, the ocean that has icebergs on the other side. Any surprises that she got a cold from it????

Anyway, those four days were good and bad. The large water tank in the western paddock is now 3/4 full. There was no point even trying to do any housework, the dogs kept tracking in muddy feet despite best efforts of wiping them down.

Within a week, the parched brown paddocks started turning green. Now, two weeks later, there's lots and lots of green. The dead dirt area under Mim's swing is now green, the top paddock is now green, the hills around us are green. The paddocks that were burnt black 3 months ago are green. And they've started burning off the dead trees from the fires. Each day I drive through an avenue of funeral pyres, which have been burning for about a week now, each day they just add more wood/branches/rubbish to the pile. Once they are all cleaned up, the council can start planting some more trees.



We've had heavy fog roll in most mornings, which has helped add more green to the ground. I'd despaired of the yard ever getting grass again.

Yay, Green!

Car troubles

It's rather difficult having a defective vehicle (or no vehicle) when you live in a place like this. Public transport is.... well, almost non-existent. The upside is that you'd feel pretty safe hitching a ride into Hamilton. Luckily it didn't come to that.

First thing Monday morning, I rang the mechanic about the car. Despite being fully booked up, he suggested I bring it in by about 1.30pm, if it was just a spark plug it would only take about 5 minutes to do. So I did - aaannnnddd ttthhhaattt wwaass tthhee lloonnggeesstt hhaallff hhoouurr ddrriivvee II''vvee eevveerr ddoonnee.

Dropped the car off and arranged to come back at 3 to collect it. That would give me time to drive Mim up to Jenny's (she was looking after her while I worked), get changed, pick up Caitlin and drop her at Jenny's as well. Went back at 3... to see the mechanic still scratching his head. Turns out it wasn't as simple as a spark plug or lead! He was conducting tests to see if something or other, and mentioned blown head gasket. I don't know what a head gasket is, but I do know it's hideously expensive!! Upshot was, I wasn't driving anywhere that night!

Called St Jenny, she came into town and grabbed Mim. (Mim thought she was hotshot, sitting in the front seat of Jenny's little Mazda, without a carseat. It was only for a short trip.) I walked up to work, fearing the worst. The mechanic rang a bit later and left a message - one of the coils was faulty, they'd ordered another from Melbourne so it should be delivered the next day.

Jenny had fed the girls a roast dinner and prepared one for us as well. She then offered to lend me Mazzie (her car) as she would not be needing it for a few days. It was most generous of her, and very helpful! There was only one small problem with it - I'm sure the speedo isn't working accurately. I was clicking along at 100km/hr (according to the speedo), and Michael was dropping back behind me - he says I was doing about 115km/hr! Must let Jenny know.

Anyway, my car was ready yesterday, and will send the bill out eventually.

An exhausting week

Last week was exhausting, and expensive.

I don't think there was a day that one or other of the dogs escaped and had to be captured. Not so bad for me if it's Sarah as I can usually capture her, she usually heads straight for the sheep to work them. But Jess won't be caught for love or money, you have to use trickery with her.

Michael spent a large amount of money on Tuesday afternoon, buying his Miele cooktop and ordering our Bosch oven and fridge. Hardly Normal agreed to match The Good Guys price on the oven and fridge, so he was saved a trip to Warrnambool.

On Thursday, Sarah escaped but didn't go for our sheep. Instead she decided to head over the hills on the neighbour's property. Despite calling, she ignored me and continued on. It was 2 hours before she returned, rather contrite. In the meantime, Jason from Austar arrived to install our satellite dish and connect us up to 400 channels of crap. He was lovely, working well even with Gomez insisting on barking at him every time he moved a muscle (he was shut up in Caitlin's bedroom eventually, Gomez that is, not Jason). Jason even had to kick Morticia out of his car!

On Friday, Damian and his sidekick arrived to install our solar hot water system. They coped quite well with the dogs .... and even if Mim, who decided she wanted to be one of the boys. She spent a lot of time on her swing chatting to Damian, and when they had a coffee break, she came in to get her cup of water and joined them. Damian admitted that he had a little girl as well, and she follows him around so he was used to it. I eavesdropped into some of their conversation, it was all about their favourite characters on The Simpsons.

Then, just as the guys were cleaning up, I was dressed for work and taking the dogs to the shed to lock them in, when Jess slipped out of her harness. She was off and running. Up the paddock, next door, back into our paddock and around. The girls tried chasing her, coaxing her but no success. So, I jumped in the car with Sarah and drove to the bottom of the paddock. Whilst she'd circle the car, she wasn't game to come near enough to jump in. She was starting to get wise. So, I drove slowly up the paddock, stopped half way and opened the door. She jumped in! I carried her to the shed after that, I wasn't taking any chances!

Jenny looked after the girls on Friday night whilst I was working, she even fed them and me a beautiful roast pork dinner (I'm not a big fan of pork but this was beautiful, hardly surprising coming from someone who ran a restaurant for 20 years). When we got home, I got the dogs out of the shed. Was leading them in when Jess pulled back suddenly, and out of her harness! I tried following her with a torch, but gave up after 15 mins. Went inside, got the girls to bed and had a shower. Took Sarah outside for a pee, Jess was waiting in the yard and came inside quite happily with Sarah. That's when I decided that I would invest in an electric collar. But I can't find one that has a 1000V setting!

On Saturday, the girls and I went down to the post office to check the mail. We were almost in town when the car started juddering. Not good! We finished our task and went straight home. I tried calling the mechanics but they'd closed less than half an hour before. As Michael had left his car at the airport (he was in Brisbane for the weekend), we were trapped at home all weekend. At 4pm I suddenly realised, Phil (Caitlin's teacher) was a mechanic. Gave him a call and explained the symptoms. He thought it sounded like a missing spark plug or spark plug lead and offered to come out and have a look. He and Annie arrived half an hour later and had a fiddle under the bonnet. He didn't have tools but did what he could. He said that was most likely what it was and it would be fine to drive into Hamilton to the mechanics on Monday. That was a relief.

We went inside to have a coffee. Mim was being her 'helping' self. Earlier in the afternoon, I'd caught her sitting at the bench, cutting up an apple and celery using a sharp knife directly onto the wooden bench. I'd taken the knife away from her and told her that you can't make a fruit salad with celery. Five minutes later I caught her still trying to cut the apple and some lettuce, this time with a butter knife! So as I made the coffees for Phil and Annie, Mim tried to serve 'snacks' (her fruit and veg salad), unfortunately she dropped it on the floor. There was lettuce EVERYWHERE! And not large leaves that were easy to pick up, no it was minutely shredded pieces! Annie was trying so hard not to laugh - after 7 kids, she's used to this sort of thing!

Then, after I'd farewelled Phil and Annie, I came inside to find Mim had poured herself a small coffee cup of milk...... with two teaspoons of sugar in it, and was trying to drink it!!!!!!

On Sunday, Mim decided to help me paint the front of the house with undercoat. She was doing quite well, despite dropping her brush in the dirt twice and getting flecks of white paint through her hair and all over her hands (which she then wiped on her pants). I couldn't go to the firefighting training (wasn't game to drive the car anymore than necessary), but did manage to get some ironing, painting, cleaning done.

I'm ready for a holiday!

Dancing Dick?

Friends of ours are going to Billy Elliot the Musical. When they told us over a lovely dinner, Jenny referred to it as Silly Elliot.

A little voice piped up beside her "Billy the Willy!"

A version of Puppetry of the Penis?

Dogs 5, Chooks nil

We have no more chooks, Sarah disposed of the last two last week.

The first incident was when Sarah chewed through her harness during the 15 mins it took me to drive Mim to Kindy and return. I went straight up to the sheep and found her maintaining vigil, rounding them up when necessary. So I gave her another 15 minutes of working them before capturing her and chaining her up again.

It wasn't until I went to hang out some washing when I saw the body. So Sarah was tied up to the trampoline and flogged. Severely.

Last Chook was very lonely in those last few days. She kept trying to come inside or to be with the dogs. Bad move on her part. One night Michael arrived home to find Sarah off her chain (again). He went looking for her, but couldn't see her (not surprising, trying to find a black dog on a dark night, especially one that doesn't want to be found). When I came home at 8.45pm, I grabbed the torch and went looking. Didn't have to look far. The sheep were near the garage and Sarah was keeping watch. She lets me catch her but won't come near Michael. We discovered the body in the yard, surrounded by feathers.

So the burial ground now contains 2 lambs and 4 chooks (Michael threw one chook in the rubbish bin).

I have plans to get more chooks..... but will need to do some serious 6ft fencing, maybe with corrugated iron panels to deter friggin' sheep from jumping in and chooks from flying out.

All Tied Up

Mark and Michelle arrived home from their month long sojourn to the States. They immediately sent down a gift parcel for us - Tshirts, bags, book.

But the best present (and naturally the most tasteful) was Michael's gift.

A tie.

A tie that will go with any shirt, and with any occasion. A tie befitting a redneck.